Welcome! Lenkaland shares my adventures in creative photography, raising two kids, writing, living with chronic illness, raising a daughter with dyslexia, and swimming with mermaids. Hope you have a nice stay!

Living with CMT, Day 13,827

A myth: if I make the right choices, if I do the right things, I will feel better. There is a truth in the myth.  My choices do matter.  But I cannot take absolute responsibility for my day-to-day challenges.  There will be rough days regardless of my good intentions.  I can also exhaust myself trying to control every decision in the day, and getting frustrated when I do not squeeze out every last drop of downtime.  Then I get in a cycle of guilt like I bring my struggles on myself.  Punishment for my selfish choices.  Or I can be angry when I do rest, only to feel wiped out anyway.

Perspective.  Because I think, if I get help housecleaning I'll feel better.  When the kids are in school I'll feel better.  When . . . if . . . then . . .

And there is truth.  I had to stop working full time.  The housecleaning help is invaluable.  Cause and effect does matter.

At the same time, I cannot shrink the world forever.  I cannot control the CMT.  I can help myself.  I can mitigate the symptoms.  But I cannot think that I am so powerful as to find a perfect recipe for quieting the symptoms.

Balance.  Yes, balance.  The dance.  I'll do my best.  Pay attention.  But not to take too much guilt along the journey.  There will be rough days despite my best efforts.

I do feel better today than a couple of days ago.  Even after teaching.  So.  No magic equation.  Oh, the boy is sleeping better.  Perhaps that is the magic potion of the week.  I can hope :)

Serious Play

Living with CMT, Day 13,825