Calling Winter Light

In past years, winter brings dread. My moods sink. My energy plummets. I hunker down and wait for spring. This year, a friend said, at least you know what's coming. At least you can name it, and hopefully control it instead of being controlled by it. Great idea in theory.

In practice, I fumed and fretted today. A great undertow dragged at my joys. I was tired. Lethargic. Apathetic. The fun of the day, the great relief of my husband working again, the colors of the holidays, none of it reached me. Instead, gift-giving felt like work. Crafting felt like work. Conversation felt like work. All I wanted was space and quiet.

So... Problem identified. Now, how to help. The usual answer, exercise, may not do much good. I will try, though. And I'm considering a SAD light (seasonal affective disorder light). I don't know if my challenges with depression are linked to CMT or not. My doctor said the chronic pain and physical difficulties of my CMT symptoms can deplete my seratonin levels, thus leading to depression. And I started this yearly swing when I had my big crash in my early thirties. So that seems tied together. But, then again, I also had bouts with depression at other times of my life. So maybe they happen to coexist.

Regardless, I am left writing the story of how they will overshadow (or enlighten) my day. I want to feel better and not be dragged into the deep.

Then again, I am super-busy. School has a hundred crafts (literally). I am sewing twenty angels with my students. We have a field trip the last dat before break. Next Friday, we are going to make gingerbread houses (very exciting). Anika has her Nutcracker. I have ideas for homemade gifts for family because I love giving handcrafted treasures :). I post here and over at Forest Fairy Crafts. I hope to make kits to sell before Christmas. I have a ton of photos to edit and share going back to Halloween (and even earlier). It's no wonder I'm burning out when I look at it from that perspective. Oh, and my injured foot still hurts daily. I missed physical therapy last week because of schedule changes with my hubby starting a new job. We had a stretch of rainy days (no sunshine). Last week felt like a big flare up in many ways.

In that context, I feel like I'm being hard on myself. I have so much going on, no wonder I can't think straight. In that light, I am considering closing our Etsy shop through New Years. I may simply buy other people's handcrafted treasures :). Again, the quest for less. Less work. Less stress. Less expectation.

I can't control winter-time. But I can focus on family. I crave light, so maybe that SAD light would be a good idea. I track my symptoms with My Pain Diary app on my iPhone, so I know these persistent feelings are not in my imagination. Still, I want to fix them. Now.

Not going to happen that way. Instead, one moment at a time. Leave stress by the side of the path. Notice the moments. Do things I love with people I love. And keep writing. Be true. Be patient. Be creative. Be here :)

Sounds so simple. Maybe it could be... Watching Anika dance at her Nutcracker rehearsal today did inspire me. What a gift, to dance :)

Wishing you dancing light today!