The Struggle is Real
I’m here in summer, and I love summer. I love the cool water of pools and rivers and lakes. Eating watermelon and barbecuing outside. Reading books in the cool of the evening after the mosquitoes give up on their favorite time of day. Summer is a season that inspires me.
I’m a year past radiation. I have continuing, lingering things that may or may not be serious. And I feel, I feel like sitting in bed and Animal Crossing and editing photos is my current vibe. Everything else feels like work. Like I need to rally to show up for simple things. And I could easily go without swimming. Or cooking. Or reading a book. My brain is scattered like confetti. My concentration is an effort to sustain. I am not sick- sick, but, phew, I am nowhere close to where I was before my diagnosis.
I have small signs of progress. My Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation team prescribed a new medicine that is helping me not feel so so tired all day. I manage to stay up later. So sleep is going a little better.
Oh! I had another idea to write about. See, forgot even as I sat here. Ideas are fleeting ribbons on the wind, easily gone when I reach for them.
We’re fostering kittens and I need to go pick them up from the vet. Maybe that ribbon of an idea will flutter back my way.
OH, OH OH, reminders. The reminder that what we are experiencing is important and real. Because it’s so easy to forget. I had a Lupron Shot and Reclast infusion yesterday for bone strength. I reminded myself to remember that I’d feel it today. That symptoms would be worse, the day might be heavy. I woke up this morning feeling like a marble statue, pushing against my stone-self to get out of bed. So heavy. I did though, and remembered about yesterday and it all made sense. Same as I sat here writing. Today is not an easy day. I have good reasons why it’s more effort. And yet, yet my brain lets that reminder slip in favor of worrying, in favor of dread, in favor of forgetting.
We are wonders. How we gather ourselves together day to day. How our brains accommodate wildly unpredictable health challenges or struggle with those same challenges. For some reason, we forget giant stories that we already carry through the day.
Take this as your reminder. Notice the truths in your life. Hold the stories. Whether it’s a diagnosis, or treatment, or an entirely different weight like family troubles, or grief, or insomnia. Remember you are already working hard. Remember you are already strong. You are holding stories throughout your entire day.
I see your effort, feel your strength, and encourage you to keep going.
Tomorrow is another day. And we may have a day that’s better or worse, but hopefully, it’s better. For me, the achy symptoms did improve the next day. Enough for me to notice how much I was coping with the days before.
Kindness. I try to hold myself with kindness. We are all doing our best with uncertainty. Kindness makes the journey more enjoyable.
To help you remember, here’s Thor with a BOOP to say you’re amazing. Wishing you a decent day ❤️
