Stay at Home Part 9

Last week found a new undertow of challenges. I want to be a positive, problem-solving, silver-lining voice in the world. At the same time, we cannot layer old-world expectations onto this new world. And these days are a haul. Our brains have become foggy. It’s not all about deciding not to sink into a mire of worries. The actual brain chemistry changes in times of heightened stress, especially as it goes on and on with no end in sight. This week I learned a fun term- Allostatic Load from Vice.

So the struggle is real. And it can feel strange because, on one hand, danger is out there, while on the other hand, we’re perfectly safe. We’re among the privileged that can social distance. We have food to eat. And a yard for fresh air. We have everything we could ever wish for to get through this pandemic.

Yet, I am in a vulnerable population that doesn’t look vulnerable. Between my asthma and neuropathy, I cannot risk the worst of this virus. So we swing wildly between gratitude and frustration. Gratitude for the gifts, and frustration for the no-end-in-sight challenges. This past week I faced two old-world systems hitting against my new-world limits. For one government agency, I had to make copies of forms. Which necessitated a trip to an office supply store. Since we don’t leave the house (at all), the changes out in the world look quick. Wear masks. One-Way-Signs for aisles. And workers wearing dishwashing gloves. We took every precaution, yet everything screamed against the expectation that the government agency wouldn’t make copies in their office. No, they needed me to fulfill that expectation. Even though it’s the government asking us to Shelter in Place. Ugh. And no, I couldn’t ask a friend to do it for us because I needed 2 of this page, and 3 of that page and maybe an extra of these other pages…

The other one was for medical which is another mess. A form has the patient's signature at the top and the physician's signature underneath. The insurance exemption office insists that I bring the form to his office. No, I couldn’t send it separate from his portion, no there is no workaround, even though he’s an hour away driving and then I would need to go into a medical building to hand over one page for one signature. I found a work-around emailing a PDF with my signature that they can print and sign. But it’s so unnecessarily bureaucratic in my mind, these paperwork processes that don’t translate to the current reality. And I could maybe send it by mail but he’s part of a big office where mail isn’t the best way to get things to them.

Sigh. I’m not doing a good job of leaning into positivity here. I guess I want to record how these moments require nimble thinking and problem-solving and many phone calls drain energy from the day. I want to record how, yes, society responded with Stay at Home orders, but underneath those orders were multiple ways that the orders couldn’t translate. The systems are not dynamic.

School is a little similar. Assignments are posted. With all the expectations that we meet the standards that kids are missing in their classroom settings. And, again, we make it work as best we can, but it takes a lot of thinking and organizing and planning and compromises.

So, yes, we are home and “fine”. But also we’re consumed by decisions that can have big consequences. We’re in a constant state of strategizing. And we have no end in sight. I mean, some states are reopening, and more phases are rolling out gradually, but it’s also contigent on curves curving downward. As people become more frustrated, they’re less willing to stay islated, so we see more gatherings. These social groups may set all of our hard work back by weeks or months.

Last week I struggled with creativity and inspiration. Picking up the camera felt so heavy. We are busy with distance learning so our walks haven’t happened lately. The house isn’t as tidy as I would like. It’s just hard. Really hard. One day last week I hit a wall after watching an interview with someone who had lost her husband to the virus. The weight of this time landed on me with all the emotions, the heartache, the anxiety, and sadness of loss and grief. A friend sent a text sharing something that had given her hope that day so I decided to send something back, which nudged me to pick up the camera and wander the backyard even though the sun was almost gone. I held up a dandelion to the fading light and it reminded me how ethereal and delicate we are, and also how the world shines magic transforming that fragility into wonderful beauty. We cannot hold onto time, but we can find shining moments even in dark times.

Deep breaths. Shining moments. We can do this. We have to.

And the pets follow me around whenever I wander in the yard. They pause to munch grass and then follow again. It’s a very sweet little pack, my black cat and furry dog :)

Meanwhile, Chewie’s fur is growing shaggier. Panther is totally fine with lounging in the sun and sprawling on beds while students complete assignments on laptops. We find community on Twitch, which keeps us company in group chats on channels like Call Me Kevin and Anna_Chess. The communities are super-positive and fun. We are trying to stream our gameplay as The Chaos Gang. We’re super excited whenever someone follows, so if you know Twitch, it’d make the kids day if you follow us :).

Oh, our rescue bunny needs her teeth trimmed once a month because they will grow and grow. Bringing her last time was surreal to see people in a building together. This time, techs came out to the parking lot to bring her inside and back to the car. Pet owners and techs wore masks. It was a surreal change in how the world looks in this new time. A shining moment was a wildly blooming tree whose pink blossoms drenched every branch.

I send support your way along with a lot of hope for shining moments ❤️✨

May your week be healthy and peaceful 💗