Behind the Scenes at the River

Monday was a triumph. No one would know. But I haven't hiked along the river in years. Years.

Today I remember why...

The river is rocks. And trails. That erode into patches of steep, rocky paths.

It's beautiful. I love the feel of the air, all fresh and scented with wet rock. I love the tangles of trees. And stretches of mossy bark. And the music of water through rapids. The river changes around each bend, the noise a rush then a soothing whirl of constant movement. I love the river. [pullquote width="300" float="left"]The river heals.[/pullquote]

[pullquote width="300" float="left"]And the river hurts.[/pullquote]

It was my own fault. I'm in a rough place again. My hips, my legs, even my hands (I used my arms to brace against rocks, and slipped once landing on my right wrist- not bad, but bad enough.) It just felt nice, to be in nature, to see the kids climbing and playing. It felt good to conquer the doubts. It felt really good. See who wins? Me.

Except I'm paying for it now. Two days later.

I just need to go to the easier trails. Find the accessible spots. Stay closer to one spot instead of exploring down the trail. I just need to ....

Accept my limits.

And it's so frustrating!

Deep breaths. I've been going to the gym to build strength for outings just like this one. And I felt ready. But I don't know. Maybe I'll never be ready.

I have an especially difficult time when I see how my limitations affect my family and friends. I want my children to experience the river. To go into nature. To find the rough trails and discover the deep forest. I want that.

I can have it. Just not in the way I hoped. We can go. And they can explore while I bring a book :)

It's all about balance. Pretending that the limits don't exist won't help me (obviously). Pushing through doesn't help with CMT.

The song playing right now for me is Slow and Steady by Of Monsters and Men. Isn't that appropriate?

I give myself permission to be frustrated. To long for more strength, an easier path.

I also need to let go. I need to let go of the fears that flood me when CMT roars. All of the "what ifs" and "how will I?"

[pullquote width="300" float="left"]I will find answers when I need answers.[/pullquote] For now, I have today. And I'm going to take it easy (ha) and exercise gradually and wear a brace so this angry-wrist will heal. Yes, CMT is getting more demanding. Yes, it's scary. Yes, it's overwhelming.

But guess what? I'm strong. And creative. I can manage this. One day at a time.

I will have adventures. My family will have wonderful memories. We can all enjoy this journey together. CMT, change, and all :)

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