I'm learning. Again. Still :) This time, I learn how I respond to stress. This blog could be Living with Unemployment or Living with a Toddler or Living with a Messy House and Lots of Chores and Busy Children and Rain, Rain, Rain on a Teeny-Tiny Budget while Fatigued. At least they all start with Living :)
Beauty is everywhere, even with all of the stress. In blooming flowers and green grass. Laughter and love. All good things.
But that isn't what I learned.
I learned that my reaction to stress is to "do stuff". I don't care what stuff. Cleaning, handwork, shopping, video games, whatever can keep me moving forward and keep the busy-thoughts from racing to the front of my mind. I like to move. Go places. See things. And this would be all well and good except . . .
Except my system does not like to "do stuff". Not for very long. Not for days-on-end. My system wants calm and quiet. Read books, watch movies. But don't knit, don't handwork, don't even click a mouse for awhile.
Calm and quiet and still.
Drives me crazy.
So when I'm in the stress-zone, I don't care about the physical consequences. I don't care about numb fingers or tingling toes. I don't care about fatigue. I don't care about anything except moving forward, moving faster than the worries. Something will always be numb or hurting, I think. And waiting around for 'golden health' means nothing will be accomplished. The piles will pile higher. The ideas will crumble into vague memories. The moments will be lost.
It becomes a frenzy. Until the crash. And these days I can go from frenzy to crash within an hour.
Yesterday, I was okay with my hand being 'asleep' for the next few weeks. That's how it feels, like my fingers have gone to sleep, and they feel remote and tingly, like I wear a glove without wearing a glove. And I was fine with it because I need to be knitting and handworking these days. I feel emotionally better.
And an hour later, I thought, Have I gone crazy? It takes months to get the feeling back to normal. I can't keep doing this to myself. I have to stop.
The tidal shifts. Energy combines with will-power until I reach the eventual agonizing limits of my determination. I think that's what can be hard to understand, from outside. Why I keep pushing at the limits, why I get so frustrated when they re-assert themselves and I stand, exhausted, in the rubble of my efforts . . .
I don't know how to be anything else.
Even now, I need to clean the bunny cage before taking Anika to the movies (fun!). I don't have answers. Just the learning. Always learning :)