Today was another doctor appointment. Another round of antibiotics for a cold that has settled into me for a longer stay. And it's been over a month since my last bout of antibiotics, so I was glad for that. But we also talked pain medication and how winter affects me and I left the doctor's office holding so many questions. What do I do? And I tumbled around answers all afternoon and evening. I'm not very fun these days. I'm irritable, tired, and fussy. I'm fine, really, but I'm fraying at the seams. I find myself losing words, obvious words like when that movie star's name is right on the tip of your tongue, but this time the words are homework, or jacket, or laundry. I'm sleepy all day and then awake at night. I try to limit projects. I actually walked out of a craft store with nothing, nothing new to make. That was huge. I have no time. And I know life is very demanding right now. Ian is two. Active, endless-energy until we melt down in wailing fits two. Lovely two :). I knew this would be hard.
And I remember the words from five years ago about conserving energy and making long term decisions that will keep me healthier longer.
I wish for answers. Someone to say, this medicine, this treatment, this course of action will make all the difference.
These degenerative conditions are so tricky. Especially when we have bills to pay. Meals to cook. Houses to clean. Life doesn't stop for us.
And tired is finding me fast :). So this thinking was the inspiration for the quick poem. About how we stand on this path and we look for advice from our doctors, our friends, our family. But really we are standing on this path alone and we have to make the best decisions for ourselves. That takes a heck-of-a-lot of courage. And strength.
I'm so glad that we have each other. We really are creating a garden online with our stories. Reaching out and sharing what matters. We are amazing :)