Ian watches Backyardigans. I have written a bunch of posts over the past weeks, but I get distracted, or needed, or tired. So tonight I'm determined. Just to keep our story somewhat updated. I've already said "please don't" to Ian as he presses buttons. I really need to get bedtime back under control. Last week I started a new medication. My third this winter. And I give it mixed reviews. It does help control the arthritis pain in my feet. And it doesn't knock me for too far sidewise. But it does make me tired tired tired (even more than usual). And it's giving me crazy mood swings. Irritable, fussy, bleak moods that cloud the sky. I'm timing them at around 4 every afternoon. So I give myself lots of room and try to clear the schedule when I can.
This is an ease-into medicine, so I should feel better soon. I hope. I am between a rock and a hard place and a chasm with this situation. I have three choices. I can opt for surgery which was recommended six years ago. This is no minor procedure, though. It means six months recovery for each foot. And the repairs might do more damage than my current damage. I need to seek out an expert in the CMT foot. And I am losing insurance in a matter of months. My husband is still unemployed and no independent insurance company will touch me. So surgery isn't an option right now.
So then I go back to lifestyle solutions. But, with my husband out of work, we are more dependent than ever on my part time income. I try to rest as much as possible. Life doesn't wait, though. And it feels like I can never rest enough anymore. And it's winter, and cold. The pain spikes up my legs whether I am working or not. It's a constant vice squeezing at the bones in my feet. Even when I'm sitting down.
My old management system was as-needed medicine. I started this winter recognizing that I needed the medicine daily. So we started a maintenance medication plan. This is different from addiction to medication. This is using medicine as a tool in my life, a way to keep the pain from shredding my days to dust. And I got used to one medicine that the insurance won't cover (too expensive and off-label- not specific to CMT). The next medicine did knock me sideways. The adverse affects had me ditching it after a few days.
Third time's the charm. I hope. My family is patient with me as I get through this adjustment phase. I have so much respect for good health and balanced thinking. It's a scary thing when your mind spirals and you wonder, is the problem the problem? or am I the problem?
Each day gets a little calmer. Then I will stop using the as-needed medicine and hopefully find an even track where I can get back to what matters. My kids. Family. Life.
Enjoy the moments.