Today I woke up thinking, I am not strong enough. I am done. I am done managing the tricky moments, done negotiating, done rationing my energy. Done worrying. Done working so dang hard just to feel like I can barely keep up. Done. Done. Done. And the first few hours were tough. Winter has arrived, all pretty gloomy clouds and chilly temps. Heavy rain and indoor play.
And we are on Month 11 of unemployment for my husband. And he has his own story to carry. So when I shared mine, he said, well, you think that's tough, let me tell you about the job market...
But I couldn't be his rock today. Today I crumbled. Because I was not strong enough. Feeling sorry for myself? Yes. Am I allowed? Yes.
Not every day. Not even every hour of a tough day. But this is no easy twist of perspective, this journey with CMT. This is a long, demanding journey. And it wears me down.
I don't even have a Mighty Lament these days. I am noticing again how, with the temps dropping, my energy is even more limited. And I notice how emotional, mental, and creative energies can sap my physical strength. That is more adjusting. Constant adjusting.
No, it's just that... I am tired. The sunshine will return and I will be grateful for the skills that remain, and enjoy the quiet moments, and savor time with my wild children. And it will be sweeter for these tough days that test me, that strip my logic away, that push me to a place that could be called Despair.
Except that time doesn't wait. And the world keeps turning whether I am strong or tired. And I find that I am stronger than I ever dreamed possible. I will rise up.
So I had an idea. A little escape. Because it can get stir-crazy in this CMT world. And it can be easy to turn to medications for escape. Except those can cause more trouble in the long term. So what can I do to make each day special? To remind myself of simple, fun, easy days?
Today I made peppermint hot cocoa with mini-marshmallows. Little things. Did I mention that we are broke? But, still, ways to escape. I will keep sharing them as I go along. Perhaps we can inspire each other. How do you escape chronic illness, of only for a few moments?
I feel better now. Stronger. Clearer. Capable again. I better drink this hot cocoa before it gets cold.
Oh, yesterday's escape. Photos of raindrops sparkling. Photography gets me looking outside myself. Noticing the beauty all around.
Wishing you a joyful day!